And then the dyke screamed..."



One of the great pleasures of the summer is kicking back with a cool, tall glass of lemonade and a sleazy men's paperback from the 50s and 60s. I have one of those collections that seemed to creep up on me slowly, without my realizing that I even had one. These books aren't straight forward sleaze. They temper their deviance with moralising. In nearly every instance, the status quo is reintroduced at the end of the book, right after pages upon pages of graphic examples of what you shouldn't do. I won't bore you with their contents, though I do highly recommend Twilight Girls, a brisk read about a secret conspiracy of lesbians striving to take over the world.

DOWN WITH MEN! That was the battle cry of the lascivious, lady-lusting LEAGUE OF AMAZONS!

You can find information and scans on this extinct sub-genre at the Vintage Paperbacks site. If you're in the mood for even more visual stimuli, also visit the Painted Anvil archive of sexy illustrations. Robert McGinnis is especially good.

I hope this display of perversion helps brighten the day of my little sweetie, who has fallen ill. Don't worry, babe. Summer sickness happens to the best of us. You'll be healthy, hearty and ready for a good muckraking any day now.

- posted by Steven @ 7:28 p.m.

 


Today I bring to you, my faithful reader, THE WORLD'S GREATEST COVER SONG!

That's right. But before I do, a little backstory. I discovered through one of my many geek connections that there existed, somewhere in this big ol' world, a song about Metamorpho, the Element Man.

Metamorpho! Metamorpho!
This is the story of the Element Man
Metamorpho! Metamorpho!
Starts out in ol' Egypt land
Metamorpho! Metamorpho!
Rex Mason was his real name
Metamorpho! Metamorpho!
A soldier of fortune, wasn't in it for fame

It just gets better from there. Sums up Metamorpho's entire origin in one little swinging ditty. Someone tracked an Mp3 of the song to the 365 Days Project, which posts an obscure, oddball song every single day. And so our true story begins.

Each song includes a little anecdote or historical fact. With Metamorpho, for instance, we learn that the song is on the flip side of an album put out by Power Records which produced countless superhero and science fiction related kiddy albums.

365 Days has brought a near permanent smile since I first stumbled across it. The hopeless passion and heartbreaking lack of ability shown by the majority of artists is matched only by their sincerity. In at least a few cases, these attributes give the songs a vitality lacking in slicker product. And nowhere is that more evident then in the cover versions of popular songs.

Just five seconds into Dancing Queen and Salma and Sabina Agha make the song their own.

The 63 second rendition of The Way We Were by Wild Man Fischer and Mark Mothersbaugh was intended for the final episode of Pee Wee's Playhouse. Thankfully for the emotional well-being of children everywhere, the song did not make it to the show.

I don't have the words to describe this version of Carry On My Wayward Son.

Let's face it. It's just a little unfair and unsurprising to include a William Shatner song. But who else can relate to Rocket Man better than Captain Kirk?

One assumes that the reason so many of these songs are from the stadium rock days is because people were willing to release such obvious vanity projects in those years. The greatest example of this are the multiple examples of high school bands recording albums.

First Rhapsody For Knives, Forks & Spoons parts 1 & 2 by The Central High School Cafeteria Band is self-explanatory.

I felt aroused in a way that Don Henley could not have predicted when he helped inspire The Castle Park High School Band and Chorus with Hotel California.

And a bunch of 11 and 12 year olds from Geert Grote School (Groep 8) bring the rock in Dreamer.

What's that? What about the World's Greatest Cover Song? These are all well and good, but no high school band geeks could ever come near the stature of such a title, right?

Fox On The Run/Sunshine Of Your Life by the Dondero High School Symphony Band & A Capella Choir.

The glory of this particular tune may be lost on you at first. In fact you may go your whole life without appreciating the raw power of "Fox On The Run", finally succumbing to the end of your pathetic, loveless life without having understood the joy this song brings. If so, I pity you.

Don't just hear, man! Listen!

These kids took a bastion of rock and subverted it. This is what rock and roll is about. Raw, uncompromising, full of piss and vinegar. They recreate the original version's reverb vocals using, not a machine, but multiple singers. And the surprising exclamation "Second hand!", jutting out of the middle of the song like a loose piece of scrap metal.

All this would be enough to cement the Dondero High School Symphony Band & A Capella Choir's place in the history of rock, but no, they hammer it all home with one simple, yet wonderous, change to the lyrics. I'll let one of the original members of the group explain.

"My favorite memory with regard to "Fox on the Run" was a lyrical dispute, in which some of the young men in the choir became absolutely convinced that Sweet was singing "They scream and everybody comes... erotic!" instead of "They scream and everybody comes... a-runnin'!". Much to the dismay of our director, Mr. Hartsoe, the choir went along with the boys' interpretation, and if you listen closely you can probably hear several members of the choir belting out "EROTIC!" during the chorus."

Rock out. With your cock out.

- posted by Steven @ 4:41 p.m.

 
More from the Hyborian Age. Nagy asked me to provide a little information on the supposed chronology of the Conan stories, and suggested I show it to everyone. Here it is.

Conan

The Tower of the Elephant
The God in the Bowl *
Rogues in the House

Conan of Cimmeria

The Frost Giant's Daughter *
Queen of the Black Coast
The Vale of Lost Women *

Conan the Freebooter

Black Colossus
Shadows in the Moonlight
A Witch Shall Be Born

Conan the Wanderer

Shadows in Zamboula
The Devil in Iron

Conan the Adventurer

The People of the Black Circle
The Slithering Shadow
The Pool of the Black One

Conan the Warrior

Red Nails
Jewels of Gwahlur
Beyond the Black River

Conan the Usurper

The Treasure of Tranicos *
The Phoenix on the Sword
The Scarlet Citadel

Conan the Conquerer **

The titles of separate books start with "Conan the ..." The stories in each book are listed underneath. These are from the Ace novels, edited by L. Spraugue De Camp. There are more books then this in the series, but these are the ones that have Howard stories relatively untouched by others. These books were the most widely published, and are the easiest to get. You should have no problem finding even a few in most used bookstores.

The Ace books are the basis upon which I'm reading in chronological order. However, Howard intentionally wrote the series completely out of order, saying that he felt as if Conan himself was relating these tales. Others also have their own opinons on the chronology of Conan's exploits. For instance, many feel that The Frost Giant's Daughter is actually the first Conan story, and I'd agree with their assessment. To illustrate this, Phoenix on the Sword was the first Conan story published, though it takes place after Conan becomes King of Aquilonia. Howard also submitted the Frost Giant's Daughter at the same time, so he had no problem dipping into Conan's life at various points. Don't feel constrained by reading these tales in order.

L. Sprague De Camp, in the Ace editions, made a point of trying to link the stories so as to provide the reader with some sort of continuity. These take the form of little blurbs placed before each story. Most of them are pretty laughable. I would suggest ignoring them.

There is a small series of paperbacks edited by Karl Wagner which take their stories straight from Weird Tales, including illustrations, where the stories were originally published. These are harder to get, and contain only the later stories, but are worth getting.

Howard wrote 21 complete Conan stories, four of which were not published in his lifetime, The Frost Giant's Daughter because it was too damn sexy. These four stories are denoted with a single *. The Treasure of Tranicos was originally titled The Black Stranger, but this, along with some of the content, was edited slightly. The same can be said for most of the stories.

Conan the Conquerer, the one with the **, is known as Hour of the Dragon in the Wagner edition. It's the only full-length Conan novel, which is why it has no stories listed underneath it. It rocks like fists of steel.

Legal complications have prevented anyone from reprinting Howard's original stories for decades. In fact, his unedited stories have never been completely collected. Apparently that's changing, and there are plans to bring out all his stories in various editions. You may want to wait for those. McFarlane toys are also releasing a set of action figures based on the Frazetta cover illustrations, there's an upcoming comic that sticks very close to the original stories on the way, reprints of old Conan comics, and all sorts of other goodies in preparation for the third movie.

And yes, Howard was a mama's boy. He always swore that he would kill himself rather then watching her die. When she was in the hospital for the last time, he went out into his car and blew his head off. He was 30. Howard had never travelled far from his home, and though I can't say for sure, I don't think he ever left Texas. He had very little friends or girlfriends, though he did correspond with many other writers, including his good pal H.P. Lovecraft (in fact, there are many cross-references between the stories of these two writers). A large, sentimental man, prone to fits of emotional distress, he was largely self-taught and resented his stifling environment as much as the people around Howard resented him. You can read tons more in the various Conan books, as almost all of them have some biographical material.

And knowing is half the battle.
- posted by Steven @ 1:13 p.m.

 


It's a good life, if you don't weaken. The tarp collapsed from a 7 hour downpour on the last day of my camping trip, and the tent that Bob and I were staying in was flooded beyond hope. Didn't stop us from playing cards into the night, laughing at our family and their stupid infighting, or listening to the wolves howl and trying to scare one another. It was the last time I'm going to see my family for at least half a year, as they're all travelling to far off lands soon. Happy trails, pardners!

The campfire story the kids were most impressed by was the one that needed the least embellishment, the Screaming Tunnel.



The tunnel was a driveway, leading under train tracks to a house on the other side of a hill. One night, the only daughter of the house was left alone when a fire broke out. She ran into the tunnel to try and get help, but she had caught fire and perished in the tunnel. Legend has it that if you stand in the tunnel and light a match at midnight you can hear the girl screaming.

I'm very familiar with the tunnel. In high school, I was asked to be in a horror movie being made by students from Niagara College. The entire thing was shot at the Screaming Tunnel over a period of about three weeks. You had to cross the tracks that ran over the tunnel in order to get there One of the superstitions that we followed was stopping on the tracks and opening the doors to let the spirit through. One night we had an extra long break as they set up, and so the whole crew drove to town. We had lost track of time and were late coming back, so we tore over the tracks without opening the doors.

Later that night, while I was in the van waiting for my next scene, I heard an explosion. I ran out and into the tunnel, and saw a group of people making their way down from the other end, one of whom had his hair on fire. It was the director of the movie. His face was a deep red, his hair was singed and his eyebrows were gone. Apparently, they had set up the generator in the remains of the house, and it had blown up in his face.

We made sure to open the car doors on the tracks from then on.

Today's random blog entry is brought to you by the power of Maggistitches, the blog about one person's journey into knitting, quilting and stitching. I find the ability to make your own clothes to be fascinating.
- posted by Steven @ 3:38 a.m.

 
A strangely nostalgic mood has overtaken the gang from the Rose City. It's been a long time since some of us have roleplayed, and now we've got the itch. The boys have set up a discussion by email to see if we can solve the problems of distance and scheduling that keeps us all from recapturing the golden years, when we killed kobolds and ate BBQ fritos for hours on end. While the rest of them are brainstorming over various ways to roleplay online, I've resurrected an old idea of mine involving a time of high adventure, the Hyborian Age. I received confirmation from a fourth player, so we're getting set to play. I'll keep you posted, whether you like it or not.

The Hyborian Age

Storytelling by email. Instead of working as a team, as in normal roleplaying, your characters will all be split up. There is a better than good chance that your characters will never meet. However, all your lives will be intertwined. Your character’s actions will affect other characters, even if they’re half a world away. I will send you an email describing the situations that you will face, and you respond. Then I send you an email describing the effects of your actions, and you respond. Etc. I will endeavor to send an email to each player at least once a week, though there are times that school will necessitate taking a small break.

An Example.

The crown weighs heavily upon you this day. Your finest courier returned to your palace this morn, bloody and torn, with the dust of thousands of miles under his sandals. His lifeless body was found by your private guard, draped over the fine granite steps that lead upward to your chambers, the living quarters of the King of Nemedia. The death grip of the courier held a message from the front in your war against far-off Hyrkania. Ten thousand men have fallen on the dusty steppes in your pursuit for honour, lost years ago. Unlike common men, a king cannot forgive a slight easily. A new strategy may be needed.

There have been rumblings in your court that you are spreading yourself too thin, that sending a scouting party to the hills outside Zamora while still fighting a seemingly unending war in Hyrkania is foolish. Unlike your underlings, you see nothing wrong with planning for the future. Still, the strangeness of the reports from Zamora have thankfully taken your mind off of more personal matters. The last report from the scouting parties stated that they had found a large fortress on the border of Zamora, empty of life, yet with torches still blazing as if it was occupied. Fearful of demons, the scouts have set up camp outside the fortress, and await your orders. No doubt they wish for you to order them back to Nemedia, the cowards.

Ah, if only your family was as obedient as your subjects. The royal assassins have yet to find your daughter, or, more accurately, the cur that abducted her. You remember all to well what deviant lusts ran through your barbarian loins in the days before you attained your regency. The thought sends a shudder through your still powerful frame. Perhaps, if your assassins cannot complete their mission, you will have to take matters into your own hands.

For just a moment, you take the great weight of an ancient iron crown off of your brow. It feels wonderful.

An Example, Continued.

Perhaps one of the other PCs is an Hyrkanian peasant, forced to shelter wounded soldiers. Or a soldier in the Hyrkanian or Nemedian army. Or even the King of Hyrkania. Or any one of a number of characters that would be effected by this war, and the King’s decisions. Perhaps that character will turn the tide of war, or take the battle to its source.

Or a PC could be a scout in Zamora, investigating the strange goings-on of the haunted fortress. Or a magician plotting to keep the scouts from finding the secret of the fortress. Or perhaps there is a cursed treasure inside the fortress, which a sorcerer of Stygia (another PC) needs for his black revenge against yet another PC.

A PC could be the King’s assassin, or that assassin’s target, an uncouth warrior swept up by love for a beautiful princess.

The King PC could, and probably would, affect the destinies of any of these characters, or be affected in return by them. The PC could even change his mind and stop the war, call back the scout party, and let his daughter and her lover live in peace. But even if he did these things, it would still cause a ripple in the lives of all the others, in one way or another. And don’t think that just a powerful character can affect the lives of other PCs. Every character, big or small, would have that ability.

Character Creation.

You can create any kind of character you wish, from peasant to king. There are no statistics, but you will need to provide a detailed description of your character, including a personal history and relevant skills. Where you were born will determine a great deal of what you know and your attitude towards society. For example, the Cimmerians (Conan’s nationality) are primarily warriors, simple Northern people with few scientific or magical skills. Stygians are a dark race, full of magickal secrets and conspiracies. The Zamorans are renowned as thieves, etc. You don’t necessarily have to follow sterotypes, of course. Conan is not a typical Cimmerian, as he gained knowledge of the nations outside of Cimmeria, to the extent that he became uncomfortable in his homeland. Your skills will often reflect where you come from and where you’ve been on your travels.

It would also be helpful if you have some sort of ambition. Do you want riches, power, respect, honour or peace and quiet? Do you aspire to be a king, a general, a farmer, a great wizard or something else entirely? Do you seek revenge? Or are you running from someone who wants revenge on you? Do you have a great love that you’ve lost? Are you happy in one place, or do you have wanderlust? Do you prefer the snowy plains of the Aesir? The wilderness of the Picts? The ports and coves along the Black Coast? The steppes of Hyrkania? The mighty civilizations of Aquilonia, Nemedia and Zamora? Or do you go wherever adventure takes you?

Trust.

There aren’t any set rules or dice rolling. You would have to put your trust in me. There will be times when your character will get knocked out, wounded, or otherwise put in an uncomfortable situation. At no time will I kill you outright. I don’t have a definite plan set up yet, but my first thought is in a Three Strike rule. If you’re placed in danger, that’s one strike. If you then make a mistake, don’t have the skills necessary to survive, or do something outrageously stupid, that’s the second strike. You have one more chance to redeem yourself, or it’s three strikes and you’re out.

I expect players to provide me with thoughtful responses. The joy I’ll get from this will be in reading your reactions. Please don’t just give me a point form list. Give it some life. And feel free to get proactive. As in the above example, the King character could decide to forget it all and sneak out of the palace for a drink and some brawling. Maybe he could get knocked out and shangaied aboard a pirate ship, or held for ransom. You don’t have to follow the threads I give you, if that is your wish.

If you wish to talk to one another about your characters, you are free to do so, even going so far as teaming up. I would advise against it, but I won’t forbid it. Not all NPCs are necessarily going to be PCs, and even if you discover who each character is playing, don’t forget that I will be inviting people you guys don’t know into the game. The various threads of this epic adventure may be collected eventually, but not until we have completely finished, or I believe that current story lines won’t be hindered by the revelations.

If we start this up, and other commitments spring up, don’t hesitate to tell me. Likewise, if you discover the game isn’t something you’re interested in, feel free to quit. No one is under any obligation. If I feel we aren’t going anywhere, or if no one is enjoying themselves, I may very well shut it down myself.

- posted by Steven @ 7:08 p.m.

 

- posted by Steven @ 5:47 p.m.